Cards Against SSBB
by Sabateikoku
Summary: When Samus suggests a round of Cards Against Humanity in the Subspace Lounge, things get really weird really quickly... Set in the Brawl universe. Don't know if I will add characters from other games in the series. Rated M due to the nature of the fic. (If you know Cards Against Humanity, you know why!) My FF debut. Please R/R!
1. Let the Game Begin

Chapter 1: Let The Game Begin

 ***A/N: This story takes place within the Brawl universe. Yes, I know it's late 2015.***

It was a good day of smashing in the SSBB universe. Many fights were fought amongst the characters of Nintendo and beyond. Some people won, some lost, but everyone had fun in the end. And just as the sun began to set over the Subspace Lounge, a human, a Hylian, and an anthro bird walked through the doors.

"That was a good day on the battlefield, wasn't it, guys?" Link asked his brothers in arms.

"Oh hell yes!" exclaimed Snake. "Nothing gets my blood pumping like a good brawl... or two... or a hundred. Sure brings some life into me now that there's permanent peace in my home universe."

"I feel ya, man," replied Falco. "And the good thing is that no one dies."

The three approached and sat down at a table in a corner. Just as all of them were settled in, however, a familiar voice was heard.

"Heeeyyy, guys!" Zero Suit Samus said excitedly and very uncharacteristically. "Look what I have!" In her hand was a long black box marked with three words: CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY.

"What do you have?" Snake asked with a quizzical look on his face.

Samus sat down at an empty chair and placed the box on the table. "So the game's called Cards Against Humanity. The way it works is that one person, also known as the 'Card Czar', draws a black card and reads it aloud. The black card will have a question or an unfinished sentence that players will have to complete using white cards. Then once everybody's done submitting their white cards, they're shuffled and read aloud by the Card Czar, who then decides which combination is the funniest. The player who submitted the winning card gets a point. The player with the most points at the end wins the game."

"Sounds interesting", Snake said. "But where does the 'against humanity' part come into play?"

"A lot of the cards are... quite unsafe for work, maybe even offensive to some," Samus answered. "So if you've got a weak spine, you probably shouldn't play this game."

"I'm not really offended by anything, so you shouldn't worry about it," Link said, shrugging.

"Neither am I," added Snake. "Matter of fact, usually I'm the offensive one among my crew."

"Long as there's no cards about insulting birds, then I'm in," Falco responded.

"OK! Let's play," Samus declared, opening the box.

STANDINGS: Samus - 0, Snake - 0, Falco - 0, Link - 0

"So the rules say that the first person to be Card Czar is the one who... pooped most recently?" Link read from the instruction manual.

"Yeah," Samus said. "It's that kind of game."

"I went just before we got in here," Snake chimed in. "So I guess I'm the first Card Czar."

"All right. Let's get started," Samus replied.

Snake took out all the black cards and put them in a pile in the center of the table. Then he took the white cards and dealt ten to everyone else. Finally, he drew a black card and read it. "What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?"

After a few minutes of everyone looking over their cards and deciding, the white cards were ready to be presented.

"OK, so you're all in?" Snake asked.

"Looks that way," Falco answered.

"All right." Snake shuffled the three cards around, and read them off one by one. " _What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?_ **The invisible hand.**...Well, then."

"I can see how that would be both disturbing and charming," Link commented. "It would be charming because you don't see an invisible hand everyday. But at the same time, what's the hand doing?"

"Very true," Snake agreed before continuing on. " _What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?_ **When you fart and a little bit comes out.** "

"That's gotta be embarrassing," Falco said, trying to suppress laughter.

Snake read the last card. " _What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?_ **Miley Cyrus at 55**."

"That ain't charming," Falco said. "That's just disturbing."

"Oh, you never know," Samus countered. "She could grow up and realized that she did a lot of fucked-up things as a 20-something and go back to being wholesome."

"OK, my pick for the winner is 'When you fart and a little bit comes out'," Snake declared.

"Yes!" Link shouted.

"Congrats," Samus said, patting Link on the back. "All right, who's Czar next?"

"How about we go clockwise, just like the old-fashioned way?" Snake suggested.

"OK," Samus said. "That means you're the next Czar, Falco. But first, everyone has to draw a new white card."

Everybody took a new white card. Meanwhile, Falco drew a black card, cleared his throat, and read it out loud. "What left this stain on my couch?"

Link stared intently at his hand, trying to decide which card would by the perfect answer to the question proposed by the black card. There... he saw it. He tried to stifle his laughter as he handed the white card over.

 _This groovy new thing called LSD,_ Samus thought. _No, that's not good enough. Hmm... A Super Soaker full of cat pee? Amusing, but seems like a ploy for points. What do I choose? ...Aha! This is a winner. Sorry, whomever this card could potentially offend._ She handed over her card of choice.

Snake held two cards in his free hand, trying to determine which one would be better to hand in. Eventually, after a quick round of eenie-meenie-miney-mo, he handed a card in.

"OK, we're in," Falco said, gathering and shuffling the three cards. " _What left this stain on my couch?_ **A botched circumsicion.** "

"Oohh..." Link said with surprise. "Someone is likely to get burnt here."

"Continuing on... _What left this stain on my couch?_ **Sneezing, farting, and coming at the same time**. I don't get that. How the hell is that possible?" Falco asked with a slight nuance of disgust.

"Bad timing, I suppose," Snake answered. "Just continue on."

" _What left this stain on my couch?_ **Pooping back and forth forever** ," Falco read. "Once again, how is that possib- Wait, don't tell me. I'm already getting the visual."

"All right, bud. What's it gonna be?" Samus asked.

"And the winner is... 'Pooping back and forth forever.' Thank you, whoever played that, for mentally scarring me."

"There's one point for me," Snake said. "Samus, you're next."

Samus gave a new white card to everybody, then read the black card. "Behind every powerful man is... whatever your best answer is. Good luck, guys."

After everybody handed in their cards, Samus began reading them off. " _Behind every powerful man is_ **Grandpa's ashes**. Poor Grandpa..."

"I know, right?" Link said knowingly.

Samus read another card combo. " _Behind every powerful man is_ **Bill Clinton, lying naked on a bearskin rug with a saxophone**."

"That card's a winner for sure," Snake commented. "Wish that card was mine."

"So basically you're spoiling it for everybody by saying you didn't play that card?" Samus questioned, grimacing slightly.

"Hey, it'd be a different story if I said that card _was_ mine," Snake shot back. "That way, it'd be a real spoiler. Anyway, please continue."

Samus read the last card. " _Behind every powerful man is_ **classist undertones**."

"Well, somebody had to make a political statement right there," Link said.

"I'm gonna go with the Bill Clinton card," Samus decided.

"Yes! Two in a row," Snake said.

"I thought you said you didn't play that card," Samus said, a look of disbelief on her face.

"I did it just to throw everyone else," Snake admitted, winking. "You learn strategy like that when dealing with Metal Gear for the past 20-plus years. Of course, I liked the classist undertones card. Who did that?"

"I did," Falco answered. "Can I get half a point for that one?"

"...OK. How about from now on, the winner gets one point while second place gets half a point?" suggested Samus.

"That's basically giving the winner two points while the runner-up gets one," Link pointed out.

"Actually, that's a better idea. We'll do that instead," Samus said.

"I think we should change the scores to reflect that change," Snake added.

"Will do, Snake."

STANDINGS: Samus - 0, Snake - 4, Falco - 1, Link - 2

"My turn to be Czar!" Link exclaimed, taking the pile of black cards. He handed a new white card to everyone else before reading the top black card. "What's there a ton of in heaven?"

 _This is painfully obvious,_ Snake thought to himself. _All the people who claim to be the chosen few invited into heaven are stupid conservative Christians. Glad I'm an atheist._ He pushed the white card over to Link.

Samus and Falco handed over their chosen cards to Link. Link started off the readings with: " _What's there a ton of in heaven?_ **Shorties and blunts.** "

"Sounds like the set of a gangsta-rap video," Snake commented.

Link continued to read the combinations. " _What's there a ton of in heaven?_ **Heteronormativity.** "

"Well, that would make sense if all those goddamn street preachers yelling at everybody were right... which they're not," Samus chuckled to herself.

The final card was read aloud. " _What's there a ton of in Heaven?_ **Kids with ass cancer**. ...That's cruel. But hey, it's a party game for horrible people, according to the box. So I'm gonna go with shorties and blunts for the first-place card."

"There's two for me," said Samus.

"And for second place... I kinda feel guilty for saying this, but kids with ass cancer."

"That's mine," Falco said. "It sounds horrible, but that's how you play the game."

And with that, the first round of Cards Against Humanity had come to a close. Next round, however, things get a bit more interesting...

STANDINGS: Samus - 2, Snake - 4, Falco - 2, Link - 2

*A/N: Feel free to submit your winning card combinations to use in this fic! I'll credit you when it gets used.*


	2. Newcomers Approaching!

Chapter 2: Newcomers Approaching!

 ***A/N: In this episode, we see two newcomers walk in and decide to join the game! This will be a semi-recurring thing throughout the story. I've already got a "running order" for the next few characters (not counting these two), but I might consider adding other people upon your request (and potentially expanding into the Melee/SSB4 universes). Anyway, on with the story...***

STANDINGS: Samus - 2, Snake - 4, Falco - 2, Link - 2

"Just one question... How many points do we have to get to win?" Link asked Samus.

"As much as it takes. It's gonna be a long night, so... how about 35?" Samus turned to the rest of the group. "35 good for all of you?"

The other two agreed. And with that, the next round commenced.

Snake drew a black card and read it aloud. "But wait, there's more! If you order *blank* in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in *blank* absolutely free!"

Falco skimmed his cards for a good combination. _What would go good with this card?_ he thought to himself. _I need something that starts with "a" to make it fit... Found something!_ He submitted his cards, hoping that they'd win.

Link stared at his cards, thinking. _Damn it, I don't have any good cards! Fuck... I guess I could just dump off two random cards._ He chose his two worst cards, and tossed them into the pile.

Samus was still looking at her cards, deciding. She could not decide on a good combination for this black card.

"Dammit, Samus, can you hurry up and choose already!" Snake said impatiently.

"I'm thinking, Snake!" Samus shot back. "Not my fault I got shit cards!"

"Just dump two random cards in," Link suggested.

Samus looked back at her cards for a while, and then decided. "These are the best I got," she grumbled.

With all three potential choices in tow, Snake began reading them off one by one. " _But wait! If you order_ **Bill Nye the Science Guy** _in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in_ **rabies** _absolutely free! ... But wait! If you order_ **some goddamn peace and quiet** _in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in_ **a cooler full or organs** _absolutely free!_...That sounds like a stealth hitman advertisement. Ughh..."

"It was a card dump," Link said.

"So you're saying you played those cards?" Snake asked.

"They were the best two I had. It's not like I'm gonna win anyway."

"OK, whatever... _But wait! If you order_ **a mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, and my libido** _in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in_ **a man who is so cool he rides on a motorcycle** _absolutely free!_ A man who rides on a motorcycle... That is the only thing missing from the 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' video."

"So who wins?" Samus inquired.

"The Nirvana reference," Snake said. "Hell yeah."

"I win," Falco declared.

"And for second place... Damn, it's hard to choose. The choice between what sounds like a hitman ad in disguise and a rabid Bill Nye the Science Guy is a toughie. ...Let's go with the Bill Nye the Science Guy one. Was that the one that Link card-dumped?"

"No, it was my card dump," Samus answered.

"You card-dumped, too?" Link asked in disbelief.

"Yeah."

"Hey, at least your card dump happened to be better than mine."

"Still, nothing beats a good Nirvana reference."

Falco took the black deck and read off the top card. "Only two things in life are certain: death and *blank*."

"Death and something else... Interesting," Snake commented. "That's going to be a tough one to win with."

The remaining three took to their white cards, skimming them over and meticulously choosing. Finally, they turned them over to Falco, who began reading them off. " _Only two things in life are certain: death and_ **walking into a glass door**."

"Oh, God, that's gotta be painful," Samus cringed.

"I've done it multiple times," Link added. "I gotta admit, those things are so fucking deceiving."

"Next card," Falco said before reading off the next combination. " _Only two things in life are certain: death and_ **running out of semen**. ...Perv."

"Then again, this is Cards Against Humanity," Samus said to herself. "Continue on, please."

" _Only two things in life are certain: death and_ **seeing grandma naked** ," Falco read from the cards. "Well, this was a good round. Now to decide who's the winner... ... ... ... ... I'm gonna go with running out of semen for my first-place choice."

"That's mine," Link said.

"And for second place, I'm going with seeing Grandma naked," Falco said, passing the black cards to Samus.

"I played that," Snake said proudly. "It actually happened to me once. And the worst part was I was just starting puberty, and I got one of those unintentional boners afterward."

"Oh shit, man..." Samus said with disgust. "All right, it's my turn to be Czar." She drew a black card and read it off. "James is a lonely boy. But when he discovers a secret door in his attic, he meets a magical new friend: *blank*. Good luck, guys!"

Link stared at a card for a while, pondering its meaning. He tried to connect it with all of the sexual innuendos he knew, but nothing was making sense to him. Finally, he turned to Snake. "Hey Snake, what's 'swooping'?" he whispered.

"What's what?" Snake whispered back.

"What's 'swooping'? S-W-O-O-P-I-N-G, like a crow. What does it mean in the context of this card?" Link showed Snake the card that was giving him trouble.

"Link, are you asking about a card?" Samus asked, overhearing the conversation.

"Yeah," Link answered. "What does 'swooping' mean?"

"In this context, 'swooping' means checking Urban Dictionary - or in this case, the lexicon of your opponent - for the definition of a particular card. So 'swooping' would basically be doing what you were just doing."

"OK, then, this card's not useful right now." Link shook his head and started scanning for a new card to play.

A little while later, everyone had their white cards ready to go. Samus started reading off the combos. " _James is a lonely boy. But when he discovers a secret door in his attic, he meets a magical new friend:_ **My collection of high-tech sex toys**."

Snake whistled appreciatively. "Oh man, that's the start of an erotica novel right there."

"So this story is automatically told from the POV of the owner of all those sex toys?" Falco asked.

"Let's not dig too deep into this," Samus said before moving on. " _James is a lonely boy. But when he discovers a secret door in his attic, he meets a magical new friend:_ **A man in yoga pants with a ponytail and feather earrings**."

"Is that supposed to be some sort of jab at gay men?" Falco asked.

"Probably," Samus answered. " _James is a lonely boy. But when he discovers a secret door in his attic, he meets a magical new friend:_ **Scientology**."

"Scientology being magic? That's kinda going out of the mythos," Link said. " A life-changing new friend, maybe. But a magical friend? I find that hard to believe."

"Whatever. Like I said earlier, let's not dig too deep into this. So for the winner, I'm gonna go with the collection of high-tech sex toys."

"All right! Two in a row," Link bragged. "And to think I got a card-dump earlier..."

"It's all about playing the right cards at the right time," Samus commented. "Second place is gonna be the man with the yoga pants."

"That's mine," Snake said. "See, I told you I could be offensive when I wanted to be."

Meanwhile, a pair of cuddly, short-statured friends came walking through the doors of the Subspace Lounge. One was talking to the other in perfect English, while the other was only capable of saying his own name. But both could understand each other perfectly.

"And then I did the only thing that fit at the time: I inhaled Bowser and mimicked his bad idea almost _perfectly!_ You should have seen it. It was freaking awesome!" Kirby was telling Pikachu about some sort of incident that happened earlier and is in no need of further description.

"Pika pika pi!" Pikachu responded in the typical say-your-own-name babble that appeared to be common among nearly all Pokémon.

"I know, right?" Kirby said. "Hey, what are Samus and the rest of them doing down in that corner? Playing some sort of funny card game... Let's see if we can join them."

"Pikachu," Pikachu answered.

The two shuffled over to the table where the game was taking place. "Hey, guys!" Kirby said excitedly. "What'cha playing?"

"It's called Cards Against Humanity," Samus explained. "It's where you have to answer questions or fill in blanks and create hilariously dirty combinations. Probably not a game you'd be interested in..."

"Pika pika pikachu pi pikachu pika," Pikachu said in his Poké-speak.

"What's that?" Falco asked.

"He says 'You never know. Sometimes we can be dirtier than Master Hand's fingers after watching _Girls Gone Wild_.'"

The four players stared at Kirby and Pikachu, blinking occasionally. 30 seconds later, Samus accepted them into the game.

STANDINGS: Samus - 3, Snake - 6, Falco - 4, Link - 6, Kirby - 0, Pikachu - 0

Samus told Kirby and Pikachu about the game, a few examples, and how the scoring system worked. Then she passed the black cards over to Link, who was the next Card Czar.

"Adventure. Romance. *blank*. From Paramount Pictures: *blank*. You know the drill," Link said.

Kirby looked over his cards, trying to decide which two would be a killer combination. He eventually saw two that went really well together, like a sadistic mutated form of peanut butter and jelly. He pushed them over to Link.

Pikachu inspected his cards for a good combo. Even though he only spoke Pokémon language, he could understand all the English on the cards... and he knew what every single one of them meant. He picked out two and handed them over.

Finally, all the other players had handed in their cards. Link began to read the combinations out one by one. " _Adventure. Romance._ **Slapping a racist old lady**. _From Paramount Pictures:_ **The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir**. Ouch. It must hurt to get slapped by over 200 choir members."

"That's what you get for being a bloody racist," Kirby quipped.

Link read the next few cards. " _Adventure. Romance._ **Vikings.** _From Paramount Pictures:_ **Raping and pillaging.**... ... _"Adventure. Romance._ **Flying sex snakes.** _From Paramount Pictures:_ **The Rapture."**

"Because you know shit's going down when all of a sudden you see snakes flying down from the sky and having sex with random Joes on the street," Falco said. "Or would they be Josephines? Who cares..."

Link continued to read cards. " _Adventure. Romance._ **Child abuse.** _From Paramount Pictures:_ **A fetus.** ... ... _"Adventure. Romance._ **Morgan Freeman's voice.** _From Paramount Pictures:_ **My sex life.** ... ...Oh man, these are some good combos. ...It's so hard to choose! ...Y'know what? I'm gonna choose child abuse and a fetus because of how well it fits and how off-colour it is."

"Pika!" Pikachu squeaked with glee.

"Ohhh... So you played that card," Samus remarked. "You were right when you said you could get real dirty."

"And for second place, I'm going with flying sex snakes and The Rapture," Link announced.

"That's mine," Samus said.

"Pikachu, it's your turn to be Czar. Do you want someone to read for you? You can still decide for yourself," Link told Pikachu.

"I'll read for him," Kirby said. "I'm basically the only non-Pokémon who can understand him. Got the black card, Pikachu? ...OK. In return for my soul, the Devil promised me *blank*, but all I got was *blank*. You ready to do this, guys?"

"Yep, we're ready," Snake said.

The players looked at their cards, decided, and turned them in. Kirby began reading off the combinations. " _In return for my soul, the Devil promised me_ **Surprise sex!** , _but all I got was_ **a box.** _... ... In return for my soul, the Devil promised me_ **Being a motherfucking sorcerer,** _but all I got was_ **teenage pregnancy.** ... _In return for my soul, the Devil promised me_ **a greased-up Matthew McConaughey** _, but all I got was_ **Rush Limbaugh's soft shitty body.**... ... _In return for my soul, the Devil promised me_ **cheating in the Special Olympics** , _but all I got was_ **kale.**... ... _In return for my soul, the Devil promised me_ **One Ring to rule them all** , _but all I got was_ **piece of shit Christmas cards with no money in them.** What say you, Pikachu?"

"Pika pi," Pikachu said.

"All right... So Pikachu says greased-up Matthew McConaughey and Rush Limbaugh wins the round."

"Mine," Snake said.

"What about second place?"

"Pika."

"And for second place, it's One Ring and shitty cards."

"That was mine," Falco said.

"OK, I'm next Czar. For real this time." Kirby took the black deck and drew a card. "What's the one thing that will always get you laid?"

Pikachu looked at his hand. _This is a nice card,_ he thought to himself. _Nobody would guess that I played this if I won. They all still think I'm cute and innocent. But I warned them..._ He handed the card to Kirby.

Everyone else handed in their cards and waited for them to be evaluated. "I'm gonna win this," Snake said to himself. "My cards are perfect."

"You never know," Samus said, overhearing him. "Someone could have played a more fitting combination."

"All right, time to read the cards," Kirby declared. " _What's the one thing that will always get you laid?_ **My humps.** "

"My humps... my humps... my lovely lady-lumps," Samus quietly chanted.

" _What's the one thing that will always get you laid?_ **Rising from the grave.** "

"That's an exciting entrance," Link said. "Too bad we don't have somebody undead on the team. That would be a killer smash entrance."

" _What's the one thing that will always get you laid?_ **The size of my penis.** ... ... _What's the one thing that will always get you laid?_ **Flavored condoms.**... _What's the one thing that will always get you laid?_ **Dead parents.** "

"If your partner has an orphan fetish, maybe," Snake commented.

"OK, I'm going with flavored condoms for the first place," Kirby said.

"Pika!" Pikachu cheered.

"Wait... So Pikachu played that card?" Falco asked.

"Pika," Pikachu said, nodding.

"PIKACHU!" everyone else yelled. Then they all burst out laughing.

"Nice job, Pikachu," Snake complimented Pikachu. He started to pat Pikachu on the head, but then Pikachu shocked him. Not lethally, though; just enough to punish him.

"And for second place, I'm going to go with My Humps," Kirby said.

"Mine," Link said.

And thus concluded the second round of Cards Against Humanity. What will be the next round's great dirty combinations? Stay tuned for the next chapter!

 ***A/N: Thanks to 18 More for submitting the following card combination:**

 _In return for my soul, the Devil promised me_ **a greased-up Matthew McConaughey** , _but all I got was_ **Rush Limbaugh's soft shitty body.**

 **Don't forget to submit your own killer combos in the review section!***


	3. No Trigger Warnings Allowed

Chapter 3: No Trigger Warnings Allowed

STANDINGS: Samus - 4, Snake - 8, Falco - 5, Link - 6, Kirby - 0, Pikachu - 2

Snake gathered up the black cards, shuffled them, and read off the top one. "The six things I could never do without: Oxygen, Facebook, chocolate, Netflix, friends, and *blank*. Lol," he said sarcastically. "This sounds so vapid."

"Ugh..." Samus grumbled. "I absolutely hate those kinds of people. I mean, you need freedom, right? Looks like the corporate bullshit you've grown to love must've imprisoned your mind and hypnotized you into saying all that."

"Yeah," Snake said reflectively. "So gimme your best, OK? Try to throw something psychopathic in there."

The players looked over their cards, trying to find something that would be a disturbing end to the series of relatively mundane American, middle-class, fairly liberal, Caucasian female-specific interests. After much internal debate, they finally submitted their cards to Snake.

Snake looked through the combinations. " _The six things I could never do without: Oxygen, Facebook, chocolate, Netflix, friends and_ **my vagina.** _Lol!_ " He chuckled at the combination. "That's basically most modern white girls in a nutshell."

"That's not me," Samus commented.

"I said _most_ modern white girls, not all of them. Moving on..." Snake read off the next combination. " _The six things I could never do without: Oxygen, Facebook, chocolate, Netflix, friends and_ **lots and lots of abortions.** _Lol!_...Guess you've had so much unprotected sex that getting an abortion is now one of your daily pleasures."

"That sounds exactly like someone who does that," Link said.

Snake read the next few combinations. " _The six things I could never do without: Oxygen, Facebook, chocolate, Netflix, friends, and_ **sweet, sweet vengeance**. _Lol!_ "

"If that's not a good film promo line, I don't know what is," Falco commented. "I can just picture a blonde girl in designer clothes and heavy makeup with a gossip magazine in one hand and a handgun in the other."

"Sounds interesting, but kinda dumb at the same time," Snake replied before moving on. " _The six things I could never do without: Oxygen, Facebook, chocolate, Netflix, friends, and_ **the sweet song of sword against sword and the braying of mighty war beasts.** _Lol!_ "

"Although that sounds like someone watching Game of Thrones on Netflix," Kirby said.

"True," Snake said. " _The six things I could never do without: Oxygen, Facebook, chocolate, Netflix, friends, and_ **being worshipped as the one true god.** _Lol!_ "

"Pikachu pika pika pikachu pi," Pikachu said.

"He says: Sounds like somebody's got a hella god complex," Kirby translated.

Snake chuckled to himself before deciding. "I'm gonna go with 'My vagina' for the first-place winner."

"All right!" Kirby exclaimed.

"And for second place, I'm going with 'Sweet, sweet vengeance'."

"Mine," Link declared.

Falco received the black cards from Snake. He drew off the top card. "Honey, Mommy and Daddy love you very much. But apparently Mommy loves *blank* more than she loves Daddy," he read.

"Ohhhh... Drama!" Kirby said in a gossip-y manner.

"All right, give him your best," Samus said before looking down at her hand.

The remaining players looked down at their hands and decided. They handed their cards in to Falco, who began reading off the combinations. " _Honey, Mommy and Daddy love you very much. But apparently Mommy loves_ **a bigger, blacker dick** _more than she loves Daddy._ "

"Oh, man... Controversy alert," Snake smirked.

"She's cheating," Samus added.

Falco continued with the combinations. " _Honey, Mommy and Daddy love you very much. But apparently Mommy loves_ **The Star Wars Holiday Special** _more than she loves Daddy."_

"Oh, shit!" Link cried out.

"Oh, the Star Wars Holiday Special. The biggest dump to ever have aired on television," Snake reminisced.

"All right, continuing on," Falco got the whole group back on track before reading the next combinations. " _Honey, Mommy and Daddy love you very much. But apparently Mommy loves_ **the sensitive European photographer who's been fucking my wife** _more than she loves Daddy._ "

"Spoiler much..." Samus commented.

"Yeah... _Honey, Mommy and Daddy love you very much. But apparently Mommy loves_ s- snor- Oh my God, this card is just... ... _Mommy loves_ **snorting coke off a- a-** Hahahaha! **-Snorting coke off a clown's boner** _more than she loves Daddy._ Yep, this card's a winner for sure."

"Pika pi. Pikachu pi pika pikachu," Pikachu explained.

"He says 'You don't know that yet. We still have one more card to go,'" Kirby translated.

"Well, whatever. I still think that last combo should win," Falco said before continuing on. " _Honey, Mommy and Daddy love you very much. But apparently Mommy loves_ **slowly easing down onto a cucumber** _more than she loves Daddy._ OK, this isn't as funny as the last one. I'm definitely choosing the clown's boner one as the winner." And then he burst out into uncontrollable laughter. The rest of the players followed suit.

"That's... That's mine," Samus said in between loud guffaws.

"Second place, I'm gonna go with... Shit, this is tough... The Star Wars Holiday Special."

"Pika," Pikachu said.

The points were distributed, the card deck was passed, and Samus became the new Card Czar. "It lurks in the night," she intoned in imitation of a horror movie trailer announcer. "It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is same from... BLANK! Muahahahaha! ...OK, that was terrible."

"It kinda was," Snake agreed.

"All right, gentlemen, show me what you've got," Samus challenged the rest of the group.

 _Think of something mundane,_ Kirby thought to himself. _Something that's harmless but still pretty damn scary. Something like... Aha! This one._ He passed the white card over to Samus.

Snake tried to stifle a laugh as he submitted his white card. He knew this one was a winner because of how nonthreatening it was. But at the same time, if you were to lock a grizzled war veteran in a room with only this, then he wouldn't like it very much.

Everyone else handed over their cards. Samus began reading them off. " _It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is safe from_ **bees?** "

"You said that one like it's a question," Link commented.

"That's 'cause it is a question," Samus replied. She showed Link the card, marked with the word "Bees", followed by a question mark, implying that the player wasn't so sure about the bees. "OK, next cards. _It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is safe from_ **Pure Moods: Vol. 1.** "

Everyone in the group had a bit of a laugh at the Pure Moods card. Then Samus continued reading off the cards. " _It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. this summer, no one is safe from_ **the penny whistle solo from 'My Heart Will Go On'**."

"Ahahahah! Fear me!" Link said in imitation of a villain, before taking out his ocarina and playing the infamous solo from the infamous song from the infamous movie. This led everyone else in the group to laugh.

Samus read off the next combinations. _"It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is safe from_ **three dicks at the same time**."

"That would be kinda scary if it were a rape scene, though," Snake commented.

"Trigger warning, Snake," Falco said. "There might be some people around who are sensitive to that sort of thing."

"This is Cards Against Humanity," Snake shot back. "There is no such thing."

"One more," Samus got the rest of the group back on track. " _It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is safe from_ **Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-Up Board Game**."

"Because we all know those realistic pictures on the cutouts are pure, unadulterated nightmare fuel," Kirby commented, shuddering a little bit.

"OK, I'm going with Pure Moods for number one," Samus announced.

"Pika," Pikachu said.

"Second place is the penny whistle solo from My Heart Will Go On," Samus finished.

"Mine," Falco said.

The points were distributed, new white cards were drawn, and the black deck was passed over to Link. "Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet," he fake-lamented. "In my day, all we needed to pass the time was *blank*."

The other players passed on their cards to Link, who started reading them off. " _Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet. In my day, all we needed to pass the time was_ **reading the entire End-Use License Agreement.** "

"But wasn't that part of the Internet generation?" Snake asked.

"Who cares? It takes a long-ass time to read, and I'm pretty sure kids in those days would be easily entertained by anything," Samus answered.

"Moving on," Link said. " _Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet. In my day, all we needed to pass the time was_ **beating your wives**. Shit just got dark..."

"But like I said earlier, no trigger warnings allowed," Snake said.

"OK. Next card: _Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet. In my day, all we needed to pass the time was_ **driving into a tornado to learn about tornadoes**."

"We never flew into tornadoes," Falco said, reminiscing about the days of high spatial adventure. "But we shot up a bunch of stuff."

"That's interesting," Link said back. " _Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet. In my day, all we needed to pass the time was_ **Daddy's credit card.** "

"That's pretty funny," Kirby commented.

"I know, right?" Samus quipped.

"Just go into all the stores and buy a bunch of candy of something," Link said, laughing a little bit. "Now for the next one. _Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet. In my day, all we needed to pass the time was_ **the Chinese gymnastics team**. ...In person or on TV?"

"TV would be good, but in person would probably be better," Snake said with a big, stupid, quite possibly horny grin on his face.

"OK, so I'm choosing Daddy's credit card as the winner," Link announced.

"Mine," Falco said. "I knew that one would be a winner."

"And for second place, I'm going with the Chinese gymnastics team," Link continued.

"Pika!" squeaked Pikachu.

Pikachu took the black deck and drew the top card. Kirby read it off. "The class field trip was completely ruined by *blank*."

"I remember when I was in school, and my field trip was ruined by a big-ass blizzard," Snake reminisced. "Sat on the bus for hours, cold, miserable, and having to contend with overly cheerful teachers singing campfire songs at you for 5 hours."

"Pika pika," Pikachu said.

"He says: 'That sucks'," Kirby translated. "All right, give him your cards."

The players sat for a while, thinking. Those who had been educated in a relatively Earth-esque school system tried to think about what field trips they had and what mishaps may have ruined them. Those who hadn't been educated in a way similar to what human Earthlings experience had to think harder about what would ruin a good trip. But eventually, everyone had decided on a decent card and handed them over.

Kirby began to read the cards. " _The class field trip was completely ruined by_ **all of this blood**."

"OK then... Someone was killed, or it was a full-out Slayer scenario," Snake mused, humming the main tune from Slayer's "Raining Blood" to himself.

" _The class field trip was completely ruined by_ **the gays,** " Kirby continued.

"Oh, shit!" Falco exclaimed.

Kirby read off more combinations. " _The class field trip was completely ruined by_ **the Kool-Aid Man**."

Everyone started laughing at the card, picturing the bus trip going perfectly fine, until all of a sudden, the Kool-Aid Man busts through the roof with a resounding "oH yEAH!", killing a few students due to his body weight.

Kirby read the next few combinations. " _The class field trip was completely ruined by_ **friends who eat all the snacks.** Y'know, that one actually makes sense... Your call, Pikachu."

"Pika," Pikachu said.

"OK, so he says 'The Kool-Aid Man' was the best one of the lot. And that one was mine, so yay for me!"

"Oh wow..." Samus said to herself.

"And for second place?"

"Pika pi."

"Alright, so he says 'Friends who eat all the snacks' is second place."

"Mine," Link declared.

"OK, now it's actually my turn." Kirby took off the top card from the black deck. "Look, son, if you want to get involved with *blank*, I won't stop you. Just steer clear of *blank*."

 _I have the perfect combo for this,_ Snake thought. _It's true and funny at the same time._

The players submitted their cards. Kirby began to read off the combinations. " _Look, son, if you want to get involved with_ **this groovy new thing called LSD** , _I won't stop you. Just steer clear of_ **seeing things from Hitler's perspective**."

"Remember, kids. Winners don't use drugs, and for damn good reason. And now you know, and knowing is half the battle, G.I. Joe, whatever. I'm done," Snake snarked. "Seriously, though... But who am I to talk? I smoke two packs a day and spent every night drinking."

"Ok, then... Continuing on," Kirby said, blinking. " _Look, son, if you want to get involved with_ **the entire Internet,** _I won't stop you. Just steer clear of_ **Nazis.** Oh my God, our second Third Reich-related card in this round."

"It's true, though. In the last place you look, there will always be an Internet Nazi. They even have their own fucking Wikipedia clone," Snake grumbled. "Trust me, I did an operation seven years ago tracking these kinds of people down."

"OK. Next card! _Look, son, if you want to get involved with_ **a bus that will explode if it goes under 50 miles per hour,** _I won't stop you. Just steer clear of_ **bouncing up and down.** "

"Why? Will the bouncing up and down trigger the explosion? Who's doing the bouncing, the bus or the passengers?" Link questioned.

"Well if you wanna get down to a technical standpoint," Falco began, "the motion of the bouncing could jolt the explosive into premature activation-"

"Do not question Cards Against Humanity," Samus interrupted. "Please continue, Kirby."

" _Look, son, if you want to get involved with_ **stuffing a child's face with Fun Dip until he starts having fun** , _I won't stop you. Just steer clear of_ **quivering jowls**. ... ... _Look, son, if you want to get involved with_ **forgetting the Alamo** , _I won't stop you. Just steer clear of_ **the South**. OK, I'm going with the entire Internet and Nazis for the winner."

"Mine," Snake said.

"And for second place, I'm going with the bus that explodes."

"OK, that one's mine," Link said.

And with that, the third round was finished. One could only imagine what sort of unbelievable combinations would await in the next round...

STANDINGS: Kirby - 4, Samus - 6, Pikachu - 6, Falco - 8, Link - 9, Snake - 10

 ***A/N: Don't forget to send in your card submissions! Please note that I am only accepting "official" cards (check for a full list).***


	4. A Falco With a Box on His Head

Chapter 4 - A Falco With a Box on His Head

STANDINGS: Kirby - 4, Samus - 6, Pikachu - 6, Falco - 8, Link - 9, Snake - 10

Snake took the black deck, drew a card, and began reading. "*Blank* plus *blank* equals *blank*. Oh yeah, and you have to draw two more cards."

The players drew two more white cards and took them into consideration as they decided which cards they would play.

Kirby looked over his deck. _OK, I'm in last place. I have some tough decisions to make. Which combo is going to be the most hilarious? Think of two disturbing things, and think of an even more disturbing hybrid of the two. This is a toughie..._ he thought to himself. Finally, he found a decent combination and handed it over.

The other players handed in their combinations. Snake began to read them off. " **Drinking alone** _plus_ **a mime having a stroke** _equals_ **the primal, ball-slapping sex your parents are having right now.** "

"My parents are dead," Samus commented apathetically.

"Well, whatever," Snake dismissed her before continuing. " **Forgetting grandma's first name** _plus_ **failing the Turing test** _equals_ **getting caught up in the CROSSFIRE** **TM** **.** ... **A giant powdery manbaby** _plus_ **Sudden Poop Explosion Disease** _equals_ **crying and shitting and eating spaghetti**."

"The fuck was that combination?" Falco asked in disbelief. "All those visuals..."

"Yeah, what was that?" Link agreed.

"Who knows," Snake said dryly. "Continuing on. **A Bop-It** _plus_ **injecting speed into one arm and horse tranquilizer into the other** _equals_ **a toxic family environment**."

"I'll say," Kirby commented.

Snake read the last combination. " **Chainsaws for hands** _plus_ **having shotguns for legs** _equals_ **Robocop.** Yeah, that just about sums it us right there. So I'm going with the giant powdery manbaby et cetera for first place."

"Mine," Kirby said.

"Dude..." Falco whispered to Kirby. "Your cards are seriously messed up."

"I know, right?" Kirby whispered back.

"Second place, I'm going with Robocop," Snake continued.

"Mine," Samus declared.

Falco took the black deck and read off the top card. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Casey?" he bellowed in imitation of a stern parent. "This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for-" He dropped the imitation and returned to his normal voice. "-*blank*. OK, gimme your best."

Samus laughed under her breath at one of the cards in her hand. She thought it would be a hilariously over-the-top and unsafe for work thing for an elementary-school-ish age boy to get sent to the principal's office for. In fact, a boy of that age would probably be expelled for such behaviour. She handed it over to Falco.

Pikachu looked at one of the cards in his hand. He thought it would be an ironic thing to be sent to the principal's office for. _Which makes it all the more hilarious,_ he thought to himself. He pushed the white card over to Falco, who placed it in his hand alongside Samus's card.

Snake, Link, and Kirby all put their cards in. Falco gathered them up, shuffled them, and began to read them off. He cleared his throat and started imitating the ticked-off father that had read off the black card. " _Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Casey? This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for_ **whining like a little bitch**." He reverted to his normal voice. "That one's actually quite funny."

"Yeah, not to mention it would be a valid reason for sending a kid to the principal," Link replied.

Falco returned to the black and white combos. " _Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Casey? This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for_ **taking a man's eyes and balls out and putting his eyes where his balls go and putting his balls into his eye holes.** "

"Pika pi pika? Pika pi pikachu pi pika pi pikachu," Pikachu said.

"He says: 'Who would do that? That would be embarrassing,'", Kirby translated.

"Certainly," Samus agreed. "Poor guy having to scar a bunch of little children. ...Unless they've logged on to Mommy's computer and looked at PornHub when she's not looking."

Everyone laughed at Samus's quip. Then Falco continued reading the cards. " _Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Casey? This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for_ **unquestioning obedience.** "

"Ha!" Snake exclaimed. "That card's perfect! He gets sent to the principal's office for doing as he's told!"

"Unless he goes to an anarchist school," Falco commented. "Then maybe that's a valid reason for sending him down there." He put on the stern-parent voice again to read the next few cards. " _Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Casey? This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for_ **being nine years old.** " Everybody else laughed at that combination. " _Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Casey? This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for_ **eating all the cookies before the AIDS bake sale**."

"The hell is an AIDS bake sale?" Link asked. "Is it a bake sale to raise money for AIDS research, or is it a bake sale where everything is laced with the AIDS virus?"

"Who knows?" Falco asked before announcing his favourites. "I'm gonna choose unquestioning obedience for my first place."

"Pika pi," Pikachu said.

"And for second, it's eating the cookies before the AIDS bake sale."

"Mine," Kirby declared.

The deck was passed, new cards were dealt, and Samus took her turn as the Card Czar. "And what did _you_ bring for show-and-tell?" she asked in a sickly-sweet voice.

"I can see so much potential with this card," Snake commented. "Everyone's going to choose something impossibly politically incorrect."

The players looked over, chose, and submitted their cards. Samus began reading them off, using her sickly-sweet voice for the questions and her normal voice for the answers. " _And what did_ you _bring for show-and-tell?_ **Nothing.** "

"Oh man, that's gotta be brutal," Snake quipped.

"Yeah, if you're a little kid who gets laughed at by the rest of the class for forgetting his treasured item," Samus said before continuing on. " _And what did_ you _bring for show-and-tell?_ **German dungeon porn.** "

"He raided his daddy's secret box under the bed," Falco justified the scenario. This made everyone in the group laugh even harder.

Samus continued reading the cards. " _And what did_ you _bring for show-and-tell?_ **A ball of earwax, semen, and toenail clippings.** "

"Made it myself," Kirby joked.

"That's gold," Samus responded before continuing. " _And what did_ you _bring for show-and-tell?_ **A falcon with a box on its head.** "

As if on cue, Snake pulled a box out of nowhere and placed it straight on Falco's head. This caused Falco to enter a fit of rage. "Goddammit, Snake! I am not a full-blooded falcon!" he yelled, pissed off.

"How much are you?" Snake asked, curious.

"Three-quarters on my dad's side, but that's it," Falco answered, still somewhat pissed.

"Then what the hell is with your name?" Snake asked. "It can't be heritage, because you're only three-eighths falcon."

"OK, promise not to tell anyone," Falco said before leaning in to whisper in Snake's ear. " _I was born during the height of a certain Austrian techno singer's popularity_."

"Oh, God, that's gotta be embarrassing," Snake commented.

"Yeah."

"What are you guys whispering about?" Samus asked.

"This guy right here was born during the height of a certain Austrian techno singer's popularity," Snake said. This led to him receiving a slap in the face from Falco.

"OK, then..." Samus responded before continuing on. " _And what did_ you _bring for show-and-tell?_ **10 Incredible Facts About the Anus**. I'm choosing the ball of semen and toenail clippings for first place."

"Mine," Link said.

"And for second, I'm going with 10 Incredible Facts About the Anus."

"Mine," Kirby said.

Link took the black deck and read off the top card. "Lifetime© presents *blank*, the story of *blank*."

"What is Lifetime, anyway?" Kirby asked.

"Some sappy movie channel where all it creates is sobstories for women to cry their eyes out over," Snake answered.

The players started looking over their cards and searching for combinations to submit. Eventually, they handed in some combinations. Link began to read them off. " _Lifetime presents_ **Michael Jackson** , _the story of_ **a bleached asshole**."

"OK, is that card talking about Michael Jackson himself, or just his ass?" Kirby asked.

"Who knows," Link commented. " _Lifetime presents_ **A possible Muslim,** _the story of_ **a big hoopla about nothing.**... _Lifetime presents_ **The Trail of Tears,** _the story of..._ Hahahaha, this is hilarious!... _The story of_ **running naked through a mall, pissing and shitting everywhere.** "

"Yeah, 'cause someone's gonna cry at their beloved merchandise spoiled by numbers One and Two," Samus commented.

"OK, moving on," Link said before reading the next cards. " _Lifetime presents_ **A soulful rendition of Ol' Man River,** _the story of_ **police brutality**. Racist... _Lifetime presents_ **Tripping balls** , _the story of..._ Oh, God, this is a mouthful... _The story of_ **angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night.** "

"I guess you must be tripping balls if you're making a movie with that monster title," Kirby said.

"So I'm gonna go with The Trail of Tears for my first-place, because it's just hilarious," Link announced.

"That's mine," Kirby said.

"And for the second place, I'm going with Michael Jackson," Link continued.

"Mine," Snake declared.

Kirby took the black deck and read off the top card. "When you get right down to it, *blank* is just *blank*."

"Oh, I have the perfect second card for this one," Falco bragged.

"Well, let's see if Pikachu thinks it's perfect," Kirby challenged.

The players pored over their cards, attempting to find a good combination. After a brief moment of pausing, thinking, eliminating, deciding, and submitting, they handed them over. Kirby began to read them off. " _When you get right down to it,_ **the thin veneer of situational casuality that underlies porn** _is just_ **the tiniest shred of evidence that God is real.** ... ... _When you get right down to it,_ **the Y2K bug** _is just_ **bullshit.** " That card caused a small stream of laughter to erupt over the entire group. " _When you get right down to it,_ **eugenics** _is just_ **giving birth to the Antichrist**."

"Pretty much," Samus commented. "Why else would you be so concerned about breeding in certain characteristics and breeding out other ones?"

Kirby continued reading out cards. " _When you get right down to it,_ **the mere concept of Applebee's** _is just_ **spending lots of money.**... _When you get right down to it,_ **making up for 10 years of shitty parenting with a PlayStation** _is just_ **the way white people is**. Your call, Pikachu."

"Pika pika pikachu," Pikachu said.

"So he says 'Eugenics and the Antichrist' is in first place," Kirby announced.

"Yes!" Falco exclaimed. "Two more for me."

"Second place?" Kirby asked Pikachu.

"Pi pika," Pikachu answered.

"He says 'the Y2K bug'", Kirby continued.

"Mine," Samus declared.

Kirby drew a new card, now that it was actually his turn to be Czar. "In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of *blank*."

"Kanye West tries to do everything," Samus commented.

The players started looking over their cards. Eventually, they decided and handed in their cards. Kirby read them off. " _In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of_ **Eastern European Turbo-Folk music.** "

"Oh, God..." Snake cringed. "Once we were on a mission in Serbia, and that stuff ran rampant through the clubs. It's the most annoying thing you'll ever hear."

"What is it, even?" Kirby asked.

"I will show you," Snake said, pulling out his smartphone. "But I will warn you: It will be insanely annoying." He typed in something on the smartphone, and a music video started up. A heavily-busted woman in a Little Red Riding Hood costume was speedwalking across the screen while the sound of howling wolves was heard in the background. Then a man and that same woman started singing wordlessly. Then some men and women were seen dancing to techno music infused with violins. Snake stopped the video. "That's basically what it is."

 _ ***A/N: This is an actual turbofolk video. Search "Turbofolk" on YouTube and look for a song entitled "Vuce, lopove" by Goga Sekulic.***_

"You're right, it is annoying," Samus said. "But it's so damn catchy! Oh, it's in my head now... _Lai-la-la-lai-la-lai..._ " She started singing the main melody to herself.

"Stop before I have an aneurysm," Snake snapped.

Kirby continued with the cards. " _In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of_ **words, words, words. ... ...** _In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of_ **Texas.** "

"So basically hillbilly-rap?" Link asked.

"Texas isn't actually that hillbilly of a state," Snake commented. "That's more of the Mississippi area."

Kirby continued with the cards. " _In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of_ **two whales fucking the shit out of each other.** "

"So basically, normal whale noises with the added touch of orgasm," Samus commented.

"Yeah," Kirby agreed before continuing on. " _In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of_ **Congress's flaccid penises withering away behind their suit pants.** A bit too much information, but OK... So I'm going with the whales for first place."

"Pika," Pikachu said.

"And for second, I'm going with the turbo-folk card," Kirby continued.

"Mine," Falco said. "I actually had no idea what it was before Snake showed us, but I played it because it kinda made sense."

And thus ended another round of Cards Against Humanity among the six Smashers.

 _ ***A/N: Thanks to Daughter-of-RoChu for submitting the following card combination:**_

 _Lifetime presents_ **Michael Jackson** , _the story of_ **a bleached asshole**.

 _ **Also, in the next chapter, we see someone new decide to join the game! Hint: He wants you to show him something. If you can guess who it is, you win a virtual cookie. ;) Don't forget to submit your card combinations!***_


End file.
